I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Ladies don't puke and tell
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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