Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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