get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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