This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Brb crying the tears of my youth
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
