Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Randomize
