any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Randomize
