He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
