after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
