I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
