I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Randomize
