You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
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