wake up i wanna do it froggy style
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
