and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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