Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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