When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
God I need to hump something, right now.
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