You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I licked your asshole in confidence.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
