If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
