I am spending my child support on dildos
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
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