My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
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