it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
operation have a gay friend backfired
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Randomize
