so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
