That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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