You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
