I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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