im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
