he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
we're making bets on your personal life
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
