I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
