Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
