Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
