She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Randomize
