I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
