I think im going to throw up on grandma
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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