What a fucking waste of an outfit
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
