I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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