Pregnant stripper...not hot.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
And then he peed in my hair
Randomize
