im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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