I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
In other news, I just burned my penis
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
