i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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