There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
