i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
