my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
