New invention idea: vibrating tampons
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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