i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
