Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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