I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
