YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
