i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I need moral support for this bender
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
