Rock
Scissors
Fuck
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Randomize
