Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
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