don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Randomize