Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
