I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
