its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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