He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
