i jhust puked up my retainher.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Randomize
