the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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