i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
