I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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