I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
