I think im going to throw up on grandma
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
So here I am, sexting at work.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
